I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
