I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is it because I queefed?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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