i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
