i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
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i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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