Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
