Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
