Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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