he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
