God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
