I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
