Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
