woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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