Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
