I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
