dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can't turn off my feet"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
