you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
