So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
