two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He shit in the fireplace
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
