okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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