2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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