so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
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The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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