If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Is it because I queefed?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
