the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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