Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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