does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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