I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
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I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
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If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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