he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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