textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
