That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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