Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
