Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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