this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
