I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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