My first STD was from a foam party
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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