Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
