and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
