Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
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I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize