The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
