EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
