I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
