You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
