How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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