just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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