Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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