my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
