she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
