So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
