winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
