Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The uberlube is also flammable
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
