I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
