I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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