Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
