I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
