i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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