My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
