I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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