Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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