It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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